I bet most people have been in a situation like this: you warn a friend or relative not to do something, because it will have bad consequences. That person ignores you and does it anyway. And then you do something to protect that person from those bad consequences - maybe even sacrificing yourself so it is you who suffers them.
And you probably believe that makes you a good, caring friend.
Here’s some news: by doing that, you are only harming that person in the long run. And believe me, I’ve committed that error myself. But I try not to, any more.
I could give you some real life examples, for instance, about a woman in my family who used to go on “shopping binges” where she spent about 10 times the money she had, creating huge debts… and then her father (retired, and far from rich) would do everything, including use his lifetime savings and sell things he needed, to cover her debts so nothing would happen to her. Of course, she would then do it again and again. Or a more current example: sometimes, friends ask me for help with their computers, because they’re full of viruses and spyware. I help, but I also tell them that they should, in the future use Firefox instead of Internet Explorer, since IE is insecure and the cause of most spyware; some learn, but some are stubborn and insist on using IE, because they’re used to it and hate learning anything new, or maybe because they don’t trust my knowledge, even though they asked for my help. Fine, I reply, but you’ll have to suffer the consequences for your stubbornness and stupidity, because next time I won’t help.
You see, the problem in all situations like this is that when you do help, what you did was helping those people evade reality. In other words: you tell someone not to do X, or Y (a bad thing) will happen. He does X anyway. Suppose you do everything you can to prevent him from being a victim of Y - possibly having Y happen to you instead.
What will that person think? “I was right, I could do X and Y didn’t happen!”
All you did was “protect” that person from the law of causality, so he was able to keep thinking reality is fluid, that it can be changed on a whim. That he can do everything he wants and never suffer the consequences, because there is, to him, no relationship between causes and consequences. You can do anything, and everything will work out as you want it (so what if it’s someone else who is preventing your falls, or paying the price for your actions?).
If you care for someone, don’t protect him or her from the consequences of their actions. Warn them, try to convince them, but if they insist on doing something stupid, don’t protect them afterwards. Let them learn, let them see that there is something called “cause and effect”. Whatever consequences they suffer, they are a very small price for learning how reality works - and for learning to trust your advice in the future, as well.
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Pheeeewww, that was a hard lesson…. It is true, but ever so very difficult to perform. NOT to help when they really are down. Yes, of course you are right. In the long run that’s what they need - to learn how to handle these situations by themselves. But it’s an ungrateful situation, they’ll probably think that “the not helping person” is really mean….
/The http://www.lifecruiser.com Team
BA~~90
This is something we try to do with our children, too. I’m surprised at how many adults seem to have no understanding of the natural consequences of their actions. I’m hoping that by allowing my children to make some “mistakes” and deal with them when the stakes are low, they’ll have more experience and wisdom when it really matters.
BA~~158
I have children. I struggle with this nearly every day! If you did not care, that would be the real issue.