Way of the Mind

For the past few days, I have been thinking quite a lot about my past relationships, and, by an amazing coincidence, several friends have been telling me about theirs. And one particular response that has been coming up is something like “as if I’d ever put away with that…” - or, when thinking about my own relationships, “what the hell was I thinking?”

Have I become less tolerant? Maybe, but I’d like to believe that “tolerance” isn’t always a quality. Being “tolerant” in the sense of not being a bigot, of accepting different, unknown, new things in others is a quality, certainly (and a rare one, still, though humanity is slowly improving). But what about tolerance to things that are just plain wrong?

For instance, is it right to “tolerate” an abusive person? An authoritarian? Someone who demands respect for her feelings but doesn’t have a shred of respect for yours? Someone who demands that everything is exactly as she wants or she will leave? A guy who is obsessed about his car and forgets about you? A woman to whom the only thing that matters in the world is how tidy the house is, and who does everything in her power to make you feel like a monster if something is a millimeter out of place? Or what about someone who is insanely jealous and accuses you of flirting with other people every 5 minutes?

Those are just examples of things I believe we shouldn’t “tolerate” - and we don’t turn into “intolerant” people because we don’t put up with them.

But I am digressing a little. (I tend to do that.) As I said in the beginning, the point is that I believe that age and experience have made me figure out something, something which is incredibly simple, should be obvious to everyone, and yet it seems that most people don’t see it that way at all.

It’s just this: a relationship should be a pleasant, joyful experience for both its members!

Obvious, isn’t it? But think about your past relationships, your friends’ relationships, even your own past ones, and see if they fit with that little piece of “wisdom”.

Think about this example: imagine that you’re less emotional than your partner, and she suffers for it. Meanwhile, you feel suffocated because she needs you so much, and you also feel guilty because she’s suffering. Should you change? Try to make her change? Once I thought so - that the proper course of action was to talk about it, find some “halfway” which was “fair”, and everything would work out.

Experience, and past failed relationships, have thought me that maybe the best option is to just end it, because it appears that in that case you are simply not the right person for each other.

I mentioned, above, a “fair” “halfway”. Yes, it is probably the only way to be fair - both sides have to cede as much. But is it a good idea? Is “fairness” the only requirement for a good relationship? What if what they both have to yield makes both miserable? Is it a good idea to maintain a relationship in which both sides suffer? Why? Out of stubbornness, perhaps? Wouldn’t it be better to admit that maybe you can be great friends, but are not compatible enough to have a full relationship?

Without wanting to talk about “fish in the sea” , surely there is someone out there with whom you are really compatible (not “exactly like you”, though - that would be boring - just “compatible”). Someone who wants the kind of relationship you want, someone who will be happy with you and who can make you happy. Accept that it’s normal to make a mistake and fall for the wrong person - and that you can be the wrong person for someone who falls for you.

I’m not saying that you should “get off” at the slightest hint of a problem! Certainly, if something is wrong, you should talk about it. Maybe it was just a nasty little habit that she has and you don’t like, but she can change it easily, without it being a “sacrifice”. Or maybe you really are too obsessed about some hobby of yours and should perhaps “tone it down” a little - not for her, not even for the relationship, but for yourself, to become a better, happier, and above all healthier person. If it also saves the relationship, so much the better!

But if it really isn’t working, if you want completely different things in your life, don’t prolong a mistake forever.

A personal example: I’m not a very organized person, and my home tends to be quite chaotic. Women in my past relationships have always complained about that - at one particular time, up to a point that it seemed that nothing else mattered in the world. In that case, she was angry and stressed out about it a lot of time, and I felt both anger (at so much complaining, and at what, to me, was her having her priorities in the wrong order) and guilt (because I felt it was all my fault, felt I should try harder - and I did try, to an extent).

Eventually, the relationship ended - not because of that, but for other reasons.

When I remember it, I can’t help but wonder: “what was I thinking?” Why did we both suffer and argue so much? So many guys are much more organized than I am, why didn’t she go find one? So many women aren’t obsessed about tidiness, why didn’t I go find one? Why did we endure years of that? Yes, other parts of our relationship were pleasant enough, but if we weren’t able to work that problem out and it was making us both unhappy…

Oh well. At least I’ve learned.

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